The loafer...

Today I am a bum :) actually, a lot recently... I am living off my parents, I don't pay them rent (they don't want it luckily) and I haven't been to work since Wednesday! Actually... I will have have 6 days off work :o...that is incredible.
Well I comfort myself in that I deserved time off as I was ill, and I do have a job, all be in part time, and also I'm starting my degree in September... a fact that scares me shitless, so perhaps this last one isn't such a comfort. Why do I need to comfort myself about all this? Because I've been brought up to believe doing nothing is definetly bad BECAUSE:
-it is bad for your mental health, humans need task and reward, this is how we feel fulfilled and happy (however realising this makes it all seem a bit hollow, like we really are sims with need bars easily filled with, well any activity really... is there a cheat, a way to ingnore these needs, overide them with shitft+alt+c Maxmotives?).
-it is a sign of the person you are going to become, a person capable of a lot, but doing fuck all because they can get away with it under present (and i'm guessing coming) government, due to the amazing benefits loafers can get if they spin it right these days. A LAZY PERSON. A thief almost, stealing from fellow taxpayers, a parasite.

So yes, I feel uneasy when doing nothing, though at present there is nothing pressing to do.

I took the dog for a walk :) thats something. A lazy thief probably wouldn't do that?

If wow was real life and my druid hunter was me I'd have acheived a lot today.

There's a possibility...twilight soundtrack, i close my eyes and i'm hoovering the floor of costa coffee chelmsford, how can i help?

ahhhh Freedom of Choice

To me a smoke is a form of freedom. Smoking is generally recognised as a stupid thing to do (because: it smells, it is a vice and therefore a sign of weakness and it KILLS YOU.) and yet i do it anyway. I do it to piss off the people that constantly tell me to be the best i can be, when sometimes i just want to exist and be happy in the short term. In short I do it because it's stupid, and because i see a lot of stupidity around me, and i want a bit of it.

Also I am not going away to uni :). This may be seen by some people as cowardly, "OMG you're missing out on SO much." Well, i guess i am...but i also get less than half the debt, three more years with my family, which is still want to be a big part of, especially now some form of normality has returned, and a place to really really crash out at the end of each day. i think going away is an adventure, but i think it's one that would, for me, get old.

i am looking forward to cycling to uni and going to a lecture :) meeting new people, hopefully going out with them! tho perhaps commuting uni people don't socialise much, and i'm not really one for starting things... I'm also looking forward to overcoming hurdles. At the moment the idea of standing up in front of a class of children and teaching them something scares me a little. I can see it's something I'll be able to do, but still...AHHHHhhh... I like the one to one better, watching them use the skills you've taught them, that's cool. Also i want a uni hoodie. My boyfriend doesnt understand this, but it is a pointless ritual i am looking forward to :)

I have a lot to be happy about at the moment :) but perhaps i should leave it there and not boast (going to germany with my dad, going to menorca with my family, going to morroco with Becca and Em :D, starting uni, painting my room!)

[End transmission]

Town on Thursday Morning

I hear the gulls calling, and for a moment I am filled with an overwhelming need to be back by the sea. I need to be back in Cornwall's seaside town of St. Ives, the one of my past, not as it is now. The main high street, chain stores popping up daily as they kill off the family run greasy pasty shop. It'd be bursting with tourists, I imagine the scene in my mind, pushing and shoving, stomachs swelling over their shorts, podgy soft shoulders red or peeling from the sun. The gritty cigarette butts... trodden into the pavement with the hard grey gum circles, and buried in the sand along with the cat's piss and dog shit, as the children dig for treasure inches away.

I close my eyes where I am, and I am sitting on the sea soaked stone harbour wall with the salty sea wind blowing my tangled hair into my eyes, and sand into my teeth. I am looking at the white lighthouse and the almost clear blue sky with the few puffs of cloud here and there. A grey cloud hangs in the corner of the view, I sternly ignore it. My sandy bare feet dangle over the edge of the wall , where the light dances on the clear aqua blue shallows creating enchanting diamond patterns on the dunes of sand inches below the surface. The scaley bottoms of my sandy feet see the harbour enclosed beach below where the rotting dingies and red bouyes bob and dance in the cold calm of the atlantic. I feel the sun warming my bare knees as they poke out from the bottom of my cut up self styled denim shorts, which are damp and sandy from the days paddling. A vanilla ice cream with a flake 99 in my hand, the sound of the gulls calling in my ears. The urge to be here is so strong I start thinking of train tickets and petrol costs. Which leads to think of my mum, her car, not mine. My bank account...dwindling as unemployment bites.
I've been standing still too long.
I wake out of my day dream as a red rover rumbles over the gravel and brown puddles of the chelmsford car park. My eyes open to see the GAP, and the alleyway leading to Chelmsford High Street. I smile to myself enjoying the left over happy from my fantasy, and carry on my way through the carpark to the blessed Essex County Library, to get a work of fiction to take me some place else other than here. I am, nicely put, a gap year student, or be cool... or depressing, a university drop out. The book will do for now.

Strawberry Fields :S?

It appears I already have a blog. I say this as a hamster falls off my face.

you know you can't tune in but it's all alright, that is i think it's not too bad...